By Zvi Volk
Everyone gets upset or angry from time to time. The context may be school, work, personal or family relationships. Social skills help to navigate these challenges of everyday life.
Now imagine how your anger affects your behavior if you are simultaneously struggling with a disability — any disability.
One-on-one time with an RBC facilitator
This is the setting of Yachad’s Relationship Building Course (RBC) that is now offered at multiple locations in the United States, as well as Canada and Israel. Dr. Jeffrey Lichtman, international director of Yachad says, “The Yachad staff determined that there is a need for its members with a range of developmental disabilities to have an opportunity to learn and practice social skills in a supportive environment.” He worked with Yachad’s clinical staff to develop the RBC curriculum in order to help members improve their interpersonal relationships.
Rivky Schwarzbard-Raine, a social worker supervising the course in Israel says, “Most of the participants in RBC are either working or in school, sometimes both. Many of our members function very well most days, but then one day they get upset with a coworker or fellow student and may not know how to handle the situation. We try to teach emotional regulation so they can have healthy and safe relationships with the people around them.”
Disabilities often make the obvious not so obvious, Schwarzbard-Raine explains. “When we discuss physical safety that means whom our members should speak to or what they should do when someone makes them uncomfortable. Our students come to RBC because they need a place where they can feel safe in talking about all kinds of things that happen in their daily lives. Members need to be around others who understand why they’re frustrated, why they’re having trouble at work, or why sometimes it’s hard to calm down.”
She recently received an email from a proud mother whose son was facing a serious problem. He told his mother that at RBC he learned that when he’s upset he can’t just keep it inside, he has to let people know what’s going on so that things can be worked out.”
The RBC curriculum is thorough and very specific. It covers many of the very basic rules for positive interactions with those around us.
RBC Curriculum
- How to introduce yourself in a social situation. What do you talk about?
- Physical safety. Don’t go to a park at midnight.
- Vocabulary of emotions. What are you feeling? “I’m upset” or “I’m angry” or “I feel hopeless” or “frustrated” or “happy” or “excited.”
- Solving conflicts at work, at home, and in the community. What to do in a number of seemingly everyday situations.
- Social skills when you’re upset.
- How to have a conversation and how to be a good listener.
- Waiting. How to be patient.
- Participation with others. This can be difficult because sometimes individuals want to be alone but they may be expected to participate with others. This can apply both at home and at work.
- Dealing with anxiety. How to calm down before interacting with others.
- Personal Space. Boundaries and where to stand or sit while talking with someone.
Each of these topics can be the subject of an individual lesson. “I always begin with a lesson plan,” Schwarzbard-Raine explains, “but many times I don’t get through the full lesson because someone brings up an issue with which he or she is struggling. When that happens, the group will discuss possible ways to handle the situation.”
“At the Brooklyn site there are usually two simultaneous classes per evening. Then all staff and participants come together after the dinner break,” according to Michelle Mintz, senior social worker and supervisor at Yachad in New York. “We have found that there are often topics that may be important for everyone to discuss. We encourage our staff to be creative and we strive to make RBC as interactive as possible. Because we are working on social skills, we try to get the members to interact with each other as much as possible.”
Mintz explains that Brooklyn RBC individualizes the program for each member. “We focus on our members’ strengths as well as the skills they need to develop. Classes are set up so that participants can learn from each other in small group settings. The group discussions are based on the curriculum, but we remain flexible. We help individuals work on their specific issues. People are always changing and this program ensures that there is always room for growth. The Yachad staff embraces these changes in order to help our members succeed in a variety of social situations.”
It’s what’s inside a person that counts
RBC Group at the OU Israel Center
Yachad member Ruthie Bar-Or began coming to RBC in Israel last year. She works in a kindergarten and is taking an introductory course on special education at Bar-Ilan University, east of Tel Aviv. She also lectures on interacting successfully with people with disabilities.
“What I’ve learned in the course is that what’s inside a person is more important than what you see outside. I want to be the kind of person who has a good heart and derech eretz [manners],” she says.
At RBC Bar-Or has improved her conversational skills. “It’s not good for a person to be alone,” she shares, “social contacts are very important in addition to family, of course. In class we learn the correct way to talk to people. I’m out in the world; I have to understand how to act properly.”
When Ruthie lectures she points out that, “Just because I have a disability that does not mean that I’m not a person just like you. I’m not stupid and I’m not ugly,” she stresses. “I am like other people – I feel things. I have a heart and I can be hurt just like you.”
Bar-Or says, “I really don’t like it when someone asks ‘what do you have?’ That is intrusive and disrespectful and it really hurts. I’ll never do that to others. Thank goodness, today many people are becoming more understanding of those with disabilities,” she explained. “I go on buses; I go to the supermarket. Wherever I am I want to be treated just like a person without disabilities. After all, everyone has issues. No one is perfect.”
Schwarzbard-Raine acknowledges that Ruthie Bar-Or is exceptional in her ability to express herself. “All of the participants bring their own uniqueness to the RBC classes. I love the people in my groups and I love teaching them,” she says. “I am delighted to see them build relationships with each other and staff from week to week. Sometimes I feel that I gain as much from the sessions as the members do.”
Zvi Volk is a staff writer at the Orthodox Union.
This article is from the 2015 issue of Belong Magazine. If you would like to receive a hard copy please email belong@ou.org.